“Hospitality is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give happiness.”
Edith. B. Orday
Etiquette of Today
Author: Edith B. Orday Published: 1918
Personality
Family Etiquette
Conversation and Correspondence
Casual Meetings and Calls
The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation
Behavior in Public
The Art of Being a Guest
Duties of Host and Hostess
Duties of the Chaperon
Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement
The Conduct of a Wedding
Etiquette for Children
Etiquette of Mourning
Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette
CHAPTER IV
CONVERSATION AND CORRESPONDENCE
The Art of Conversation
CONVERSATION is a game we all play, but most of us with ill success. We do not take pains to learn the rules, and we do not consider the honor of winning sufficiently great. It is, however, an accomplishment that all who will may possess, that consumes a great deal of the time of all of us, and that yields great pleasure and profit if skillfully used.
The subject of conversation should be pertinent, and of interest to all, or at least the majority, of those in the group of talkers. The treasures of experience and of knowledge should be grouped about the topic, and every one who contributes should take care to proffer nothing that the conversation has not logically called forth. Then the pleasure and the success of the time thus spent is measured only by the wit and mental resources of the talkers.
News which has a universal interest is always a legitimate subject of discussion. Personal news which has only the interest of gossip or scandal is never permitted among cultured people, no more than are physiological facts or the records of criminology. It is a safe rule to speak of things rather than of persons.
The brilliant conversationalist never monopolizes the talk, as such a method would prevent his most telling points or his keenest wit from having dramatic expression. If he tells an anecdote which holds the attention of the table or of the circle of listeners, he permits his duller neighbor to tell the next, not only that his own wit may have a foil, but that his next anecdote may meet the sharp edge of whetted appetites.
If dining out or being entertained, do not play the host or hostess by leading the conversation, even though your talent in that direction be far superior to theirs. You thereby do them an injustice which is exceedingly discourteous on the part of one who has accepted of hospitality.
Never interrupt. It kills the expression of any thought to interrupt the speaker, and every person, no matter how badly he may express himself, has a right to the effort and to what he can win of the hearer's attention.
To supply a word which seems to fail the speaker is perhaps a friendly service, if he be a foreigner, but should never be tendered to a countryman, nor often to even the most grateful wrestler with the English language. It confuses any one, and the only polite way is to wait quietly until the speaker collects himself and finds his words.
Do not contend any point. Among intelligent people questions may be pleasantly and earnestly debated, arguments weighed and tested, and yet the conversation be absolutely courteous, although conviction be deep on both sides. The impossibility, among untrained people, of debate without great emotion is what retards the progress of the intellectual life in many circles.
One should never answer questions in general company that have been put to another.
One should not note the points of discrepancy in the remarks of another, or the points of divergence in opinion. In society the subjects of conversation are subordinated to the human interest of the gathering, and points of harmony and agreement should be emphasized, leaving all others unnoted. One does not need to conceal his opinions, but he should not arrogantly or dogmatically publish them. Not opinions but individuals are of greater interest at that time, and the battle of ideas should be fought in another arena.
This is the only safe rule to follow in mixed companies, or with people imperfectly trained socially. With highly intelligent people of congenial tastes, people who have ideas and convictions of great worth, and who are controlled enough to express them without undue or foolish emotion, the battle of ideas is fought most effectively and most to the benefit of society, in the drawing-room of that host and hostess whose own talents make them able to draw talent about them.
Here all the rules of polite society may be observed, and yet the inner convictions, whether political, religious, or moral, of the circle, may find welcome expression and fair hearing. The growth of ideas and the progress of ideals in such a society is rapid and along the right lines.
Never try to have the last word, but always refrain from saying it.
Do not enter into tête-à-tête conversation in the presence of others, or refer to any topic of conversation which is not of common interest and commonly known. Mysterious allusions or assumed understandings with one or two members of a group are insults to the others.
Inquiries into private affairs should never be made, but those on the subjects of age and income are especially obnoxious, and merit for the inquirer the cool silence which they usually obtain.
The loud-voiced, aggressive person, whose opinions are alone of vital moment in his estimation, and who will not yield a point in an argument, is much to be dreaded in any company, and effectually brings to an end any general conversation into which he intrudes.
When addressing people face to face, it is necessary to give them their social or professional titles, if the latter be such as have influence on social rank, no matter if such titles are not inscribed on the visiting card of the person possessing them, or are purely honorary.
It is not now customary to add "Madam," or "Sir," or the colloquial equivalent of the former,--"m'am" or "m'm,"--to "Yes" and "No," even by children.
Correspondence
Letter writing is a high art, and can give great pleasure to one's friends. It must not, however, be intemperately indulged in, either in frequency, length of letters, or freedom of expression. A timely note is a great binder of friendship, and may give comfort and satisfaction much greater than a longer letter at a less important moment.
The danger of letter writing is that one is tempted to pour out one's inmost feelings with thoughtless abandon, and find later that the relative or friend to whom the letter was addressed was unworthy of the confidence, or, if not unworthy, was repelled by it, or indiscreet in guarding it. It is always wise for one to restrain his expression of himself, when writing or speaking, within the bounds of dignity and a self-respecting reserve.
The classic letters of literature are usually those the fervor of expression and self-revelation of which gave them a strong human interest, but in the preservation and publication of which sacred confidence was violated. The average letter of the average man or woman is by no means a classic, or worthy of preservation. It should be destroyed when it has fulfilled the immediate purpose for which it was written. It may otherwise sometime be instrumental in bringing ridicule, if not shame, upon the unsuspecting writer.
As letter writing is the most common form of composition, the general rules pertaining to that art should be observed in even the most informal of letters.
All letters should be concise and definite. An involved style is a great waste of time and mental power, and has no advantage.
A letter should be written on consecutive pages, unless it be very short, in which case it is preferable to use the first and third, rather than only the first and second, pages. It should never be written so that the sheet has to be turned around and the pages read at different angles. The turning over of the pages should be all that is necessary.
If, however, social note paper is used for a short business letter to a business man, open the sheet out flat, turn it so that the left side becomes the top of the sheet, and use as you would a single large sheet of commercial paper. This enables the reader to see the whole matter at a glance.
Do not scrawl your letter over the page; but do not, on the other hand, appear to economize in paper. Make the place and date lines clear and distinct. Set off the salutation from the body of the letter, and make the form of the letter upon the page artistic and concise. Paper is cheap, and the delight of receiving a letter well framed in even margins and written on regular, if invisible, lines is a pleasure easily afforded a friend.
The letter should be begun about two inches down from the upper edge of the paper. The left-hand margin should be three-quarters of an inch, with paragraph indention an inch more. The lower margin also should be three-quarters of an inch, and the right margin should be kept even and, for best effect, almost as wide as the left margin.
Do not run on the letter without paragraphing it, but place each subject in a paragraph by itself.
A business letter should always go straight to the point.
A note of apology should be direct, and say but the one thing which is its subject.
A note asking a favor should do it simply and without unnecessary preamble. The sense of freedom or intimacy which permits one to ask a favor, should be great enough to obviate the necessity of long explanation, which seems like coaxing.
The refusal of a request requires tact, and may necessitate less directness than courteous explanation: but it should not be so extended as to be apologetic.
A letter of thanks is difficult, but too great effusiveness is as disgusting as too great abruptness is unsatisfactory. The elusive but happy medium is the work of the socially well-trained.
Paper
The grade of paper used is a matter of no small moment. Some people affect a fastidiousness in color and quality quite out of keeping with the purpose to which the paper is to be put. Others affect an opposite slovenliness, which shows equal disregard of use and effectiveness.
A good quality of paper is essential to elegance. Plain white or cream white paper, unlined, with either rough or smooth finish, is always correct, and is the only kind for formal social correspondence. For more intimate letters ladies sometimes use a pale blue, delicate pearl-gray, light lavender or heliotrope, or a Colonial buff. There has lately been imported the style of an envelope with lining of another color and paper to match, in a variety of bright tints and striking designs. These styles, even in the daintier variations of them, appeal only to the younger members of the "smart set." Gentlemen never use any but white stationery.
Correspondence cards are a great convenience for the very shortest of messages, where even the small note paper is too large. They are to social letter writing what the postal is in business. They, like the postal, should be used only for brief messages of no special importance, or for notifications.
It is a matter of taste and of expense to have one's monogram or home address engraved at the top of choice note paper or letter paper. This may be in gilt, silver, or colors.
The more common forms of heading are centered an inch below the top of the paper, but may be placed somewhat lower down, and to the right, leaving about three-quarters of an inch margin. In this case the date line follows. Engraved and embossed headings are the most elegant, and printed ones should be used only for business purposes. There can, however, be no objection to a very neatly printed small heading for personal business correspondence, if it is tastefully done in a quiet color. While it would not be acceptable for formal social correspondence, it does very well on more intimate letters and saves the necessity of writing each time the home address. It is best to use printed letterheads, rather than commit the blunder now so common, among those who do not habitually use engraved paper, of omitting the address from the letter. This, in case the letter is misdirected, and travels to the Dead-Letter Office, prevents effectually its restoration to the writer.
The size of note paper suited to the letter to be written should be used. Do not start with a small note size, and run on over several sheets. The letter size should have been taken in the first place, as the note is only for such messages as are essentially short.
The forms of heading which are permissible at the top of the personal letter paper are the following: a crest, monogram, or the separate initials; the name of the home if, as an estate, it has a special title; the name of the city and state; or the street address, with the name of the city and state beneath.
When in mourning, it is customary to use a note paper and envelopes surrounded with a narrow black border. The border should not exceed three-eighths of an inch in width, and three-sixteenths of an inch during the period of half mourning. Sometimes only a black line with the monogram is used.
Scented note paper is not in good taste, except perhaps that which has a very faint odor of violets or of orris root, or, in the Southland, of orange blossoms.
Ink
Colored inks are not liked or approved of by society. A good blue-black ink is the best for all writing.
Pale inks, too faint to be easily seen, and too lacking in stock to last any length of time, are useless.
Handwriting
Illegibility in handwriting, or a stilted and difficult hand, is a great waste of time and energy, mainly the would-be reader's. There is no excuse, in these days of the typewriter and of common knowledge of stenography, for an illegible letter or manuscript, and the carelessness which writes too hurriedly to form the letters is excusable only in the gravest emergency and between intimate friends, where the inconvenience caused by it will be, for personal reasons, gladly forgiven. Some handwritings which are thoroughly legible are extremely tiring to the reader, and the simpler, less ornate hand is for every purpose preferable.
The affectation of a handwriting which enables you to put but few words on a page, is absurd and vulgar in the extreme. Yet, on the other hand, a too delicate or minute hand is not desirable. Legibility, neatness, and clearness are the salient virtues of a letter.
The use of the typewriter is confined to business. It is still very bad form to use it for personal letters; but should elegant script and small, clear forms of type, such as are furnished by one or two of the machines now on the market, be in common use, there is little doubt but what the speed of service and the advantages of clearness would bring the typewriter into use in intimate, and perhaps at last into more formal, social correspondence. The tendency seems to lie in that direction.
Sealing, Stamping, and Directing Envelopes
Neatness is especially necessary in the folding of letters, and in addressing, stamping, and sealing the envelopes. Haste and slovenliness here take away the suggestion of compliment in the courtesy of the note, and are as insulting as any rudeness of manner can well be.
The fastidious and leisurely still seal their envelopes with wax, imprinting thus their monogram. The well-gummed envelope now in vogue makes this superfluous for the ordinary informal letter. Addresses should be written with an eye to legibility, and the stamp should be affixed to the upper right-hand corner of the envelope with care and neatness. Social invitations, although engraved and therefore containing no handwriting, should always be sent with letter postage.
Letters should be plainly and completely addressed to insure their safe and prompt delivery.
Persons who have a large business correspondence should use for it envelopes on which their name and post office address are printed in the upper left-hand corner. In social correspondence these should be clearly written or engraved upon the back of the envelope.
Sometimes where a business firm is small or little known, it facilitates the delivery of a business letter to place the number of the office room in a building upon the envelope. Where, however, the firm is so large that probably the entire mail is carried from the post office in bags, or where a post office box is doubtless made use of instead of the carriers' delivery, even the street number is superfluous. Letters for departments should be so marked.
If the city is one of the largest in the country, the name of the state is not added; as, New York City, Boston, Chicago, and Philadelphia would stand alone.
Only a business letter should have the word "City" in place of the name of the city, and it is better to write the name, omitting, if you choose, the state. This is permissible only when the central post office is used, as the postmark of any suburban station might cause confusion, and railway post office clerks, especially, should not be expected to guess accurately the intents of a writer.
When street addresses like "Broadway," "Park Row," "Aborn Drive," are written, it is superfluous to write "St." after them.
The older form of writing an address was to end each line with a comma. The more recent style, and one coming into quite common use, is to omit the comma, using only such punctuation as the sense of the words within the line demands. Either way is permissible.
Uniformity and concise clearness are characteristics of a well-written address. An address should be written as follows:
Mr. Frankel Banchman, 15 Westland Avenue, Philadelphia, Pa.
If the directions are to be included, then the following arrangement is better:
Mrs. Arthur L. Casson, North Maplewood, Chestnut County, Care of Mr. Hiram Casson. N. Y.
The sign of per cent is no longer used to signify "care of."
A clergyman is addressed "The Reverend John L. Wrigley, D. D.," or, less correctly, "Rev. John L. Wrigley, D. D.," which may be transposed to "Rev. Dr. John L. Wrigley." The omission of the article before the word "Reverend" is quite common.
A physician is properly addressed, "Algernon Brigham, M. D.," and the salutation is "Dear Dr. Brigham," or "Dear Doctor," if he is an intimate friend. A man having the title of Doctor with any other significance than that of Doctor of Medicine, is usually addressed "Dr. Frederic V. Harlan." A very formal way, however, would be to address such a one,--supposing each of the titles to be his,--as "Professor Frederic V. Harlan, Ph. D." For the letter, the salutations "Dear Professor Harlan" and "Dear Dr. Harlan" are equally correct.
A letter to the President of the United States should be addressed simply with that title and with no further specification of name, whether it be official or social: as, "To the President of the United States, Executive Mansion, Washington, D. C." The salutation should be simply "Sir." The conclusion should be, "I have the honor to remain Your obedient servant." If a social letter it may be addressed either formally or "To the President of the United States, (Christian name and surname), Executive Mansion," etc. The salutation would then be "My dear Mr. President."
The Vice President should be addressed officially in the same form; that is, "To the Vice President, Hon. Chester A. Arthur." He should be saluted, officially, "Mr. Vice President, Sir;" socially, "My dear Mr. Arthur."
In addressing the governor of a state the superscription should be, "To His Excellency, The Governor of Massachusetts, State House, Boston." The salutation should be "Sir," if official, but "Dear Governor Barnard," if social. The conclusion of an official letter should read, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Excellency's most obedient servant."
The mayor of a city is addressed, "To His Honor, The Mayor of Chicago." Within, he is saluted officially as "Your Honor," socially as "My dear Mayor Sewall."
Ambassadors of any country, whatever their personal distinction, may be given the title of "Honorable," and their rank placed after the surname. As, "Honorable Whitelaw Reid, Ambassador to the Court of St. James." They may always be addressed as "Your Excellency."
The members of the Cabinet of the President of the United States are always addressed as "Honorable," and the name of their department, or their title added: as, "The Honorable, The Secretary of State." To give the name would be superfluous, as in the case of the President. On formal invitations, however, when the Secretary and his wife are entertaining, the form is, "The Secretary of State and Mrs. Hay request the honor," etc.
Invitations which come to one because of his official position are not intended for personal compliments, hence are addressed to the office, not to the man personally.
An invitation from the President of the United States is equal to a command, and may not be declined. Other engagements must be broken for it, and only grave calamity or illness should excuse one, the excuse being frankly stated instead of mere formal expressions of regret.
In ceremonious notes abbreviations should never be used.
Should one address the ruler of England, the superscription would be, "His Majesty, The King, London." The salutation would be, "Sir;" the conclusion, "I have the honor to be, Sir, Your Majesty's most obedient servant."
"His Grace the Duke of Fife" is the form of address for a Duke; "My Lord Duke" being the salutation, and "Your Grace's most obedient servant" the subscription.
In writing to the Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, one should address the letter to "His Holiness, Pope ----, Rome." The salutation should be "Your Holiness," but the conclusion remains the same form as for other dignitaries. A Cardinal of the same church is addressed "To His Eminence (Christian name) Cardinal (surname)," and greeted as "Your Eminence." Formality should be strictly observed.
An Archbishop of the Church of England is addressed, "The Most Reverend (name) His Grace the Lord Archbishop of (name of bishopric)." The salutation is "My Lord Archbishop;" the subscription, "I have the honor to be, with the highest respect, Your Grace's most humble servant." A Bishop is addressed "The Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of (name of diocese)." He is saluted "My Lord Bishop."
In the United States the Bishops of the Protestant Episcopal Church, who are not here Lords, are addressed, singly, as "The Right Reverend (Christian name and surname). D. D.," or "The Right Reverend Bishop of (name of diocese)." They are saluted, singly, "Most Reverend Sir."
The word "To" may precede a formal or ceremonious address, adding to the formality.
An envelope containing a letter or card of introduction should never be sealed, if presented in person by the party introduced. If, however, he should deliver it by messenger,--an exceptional procedure, and one not to be followed by a man except in unusual circumstances,--the envelope may be sealed.
No letter sent through the kindness of a friend should ever be sealed. The envelope should bear, in the lower left-hand corner, the acknowledgment of the favor in words like "Kindness of Miss Hallowell."
Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters
A stranger should be saluted as follows: "Mr. Eugene Motley, My dear Sir;" "Mrs. Alonzo Parmenter, Dear Madam;" or "Eugene Motley, Esq., My dear Sir." These are forms slightly more formal than "My dear Mr. Motley," or "My dear Mrs. Parmenter," which in America are strangely considered more formal than "Dear Mr. Motley," or "Dear Mrs. Parmenter," although in England the reverse is true. Therefore, a mere acquaintance is addressed "My dear Mrs. Judson," while a friend is addressed "Dear Mr. Clark."
A married woman signs her name, as "Ethel Husted," and then puts her formal name, "Mrs. Hollis Husted," in brackets a little to the left of and a little below the other.
Never sign a title. The name only is your signature. It may be necessary to write the title in brackets and at the left, as "(Miss)" or "(Mrs.)," but it should never be part of the signature. Such notes as demand the use of the title are put in the third person.
The date should be at the end of a social note, in the lower left-hand corner, and should be written out, with the name of the year omitted and no figures used. The grammatical form is "The ninth of December," never "December the ninth," nor "December ninth."
In business letters the salutation for a firm name is "Dear Sir," or "Gentlemen." Where two married women go into business together, there seems to be in English no combined title to take the place of the French, so that is generally used, and that is "Mesdames," abbreviated "Mmes." before their names.
The formal conclusions of letters are: "Respectfully yours," used to a superior; "Sincerely yours," or "Truly yours," used largely in business, or the same forms with the adverb "Very" preceding them. Less formal terms are: "Cordially yours," "Fraternally yours," or the pronoun with any appropriate adverb which the originality of the writer may suggest. Less abrupt, but not less formal, endings are: "With best regards, I am," etc.; "With kindest regards, I remain," etc.; "Believe me Very sincerely yours."
For intimate letters either to relatives or friends no specified suggestions are needed. The ordinary form, "Your affectionate daughter," or "niece," etc., may, however, be employed, in dearth of special inspiration.
Distinction is sometimes made between business and social letters by the position of "Yours,"--it being placed before the adverb in social correspondence, and after in business. The tone of the letter may be left to guide in this matter. There is an abruptness always somewhat unpleasant in the use of the adverb alone.
Make the beginning and ending of a letter the same in degree of cordiality. Do not begin formally "My dear Madam," and end "Cordially yours."
Every letter should be signed with the full name of the writer. A possible exception might be made of those addressed to members of one's own family, where the use of the Christian name only would mean no ambiguity, or where the signing of the surname gives a touch of formality. It is well, however, to remember that letters placed in the post take the chances of fortune, and, with the plainest of addresses, may, by the absence of the person or for some other cause, bring up in the Dead-Letter Office. Their resurrection there will depend upon their containing the full name of the sender as well as his address. If a letter is valuable enough to send, it is valuable enough to sign, even if the signature be double,--first the familiar or given name, and then, in the lower left-hand corner, the full name.
It is well to use always the name which is your legal signature. This will prevent confusion, and forestall the possibility of your putting, from force of habit, the wrong form of your name upon a legal document.
It is well to write one's name in full. Three complete names are none too many for individual distinction in so crowded a world as is ours. If, however, the middle one is represented by an initial only, always write it uniformly. It is better, if the form with initial only has not become really established, to use the full name, although it may be long.
The form of one's signature and the style of the handwriting soon become habitual. Therefore, every effort should be made to make and keep it legible. An illegible signature is unpardonable,--save perhaps on a page at the top of which a printed or engraved letterhead gives the name in full. There is, however, the danger that the writer of the illegible signature will sometime sign his name on a legal document, or a sheet not bearing his letterhead, and the signature stand for nothing.
Letters of Introduction
A letter of introduction should never be requested. If it is offered it is a sign of great regard. If it is greatly desired, it might be well to acquaint the person, in whose power it is to offer it, with the circumstances and interests which make it desirable, but never to do more than this.
The advisability of giving letters of introduction depends upon the circumstances. Between business acquaintances and for business purposes, it is a common form of establishing connection among various interests, and, if done with discrimination, is to be approved. It should, however, even in business be done sparingly, as it is a matter of personal friendship, usually, and as no one has a right to make numerous or exacting demands upon one's friends.
Socially it is a matter of great delicacy, and should have even more restrictions put upon it than does the introduction in company. For the written introduction is used because distance prevents the personal one, and that usually throws the recipient of such a letter into the position of host to the traveler or newcomer, or at least of benefactor to some degree. It places upon him an obligation not involved in the verbal introduction, and the presumption is that he is to do some favor, or show some special attention.
Letters of introduction may be explanatory or brief. Brevity is preferable, but circumstances must determine.
A visiting card is often used with the words "Introducing Mr. Allan Golding to Mr. Morris," or similar form, written across the top. The card should be enclosed in a small envelope and left unsealed.
A brief form of letter simply says: "Permit me to introduce to your favorable notice Mr. Silas Emerson."
A more explicit form would be a letter the body of which would resemble the following:
"The bearer, Mr. Mark W. Allen, who is an old friend and neighbor of mine, represents the Altmann Irrigation Company, and is desirous of obtaining information in regard to the system of waterways lately put into your county. Knowing your influential position in regard to all matters of public interest, I have sent him to you in the hope that you may be able to put him in touch with the people who will give him the desired information. Any favor that you may do Mr. Allen, or any courtesy that you may extend to him, will be deeply appreciated by me."
A purely social letter of introduction would say in substance: "Mrs. Arthur L. Westmore, who presents this letter to you, is an intimate and cherished friend of mine, and one whom I know you would desire to meet. She is to spend some little time in your city, and any courtesy that you may do her I shall deeply appreciate. I have told her of our friendship, and she knows how highly I value you, and is eager to meet you."
When a letter of introduction is given, it is well to write the receiver concerning the friend who will present it, that he may not be taken unawares, nor continue long ignorant of the claims of that friend upon him.
A gentleman usually presents such a letter by calling in person and sending in the letter, together with one of his personal cards, by the servant who answers the bell, or by the office boy. A lady usually mails the letter and one of her cards giving her address. She should receive an acknowledgment with a call or offer of hospitality within a day or two.
A person who makes use of a letter of introduction should acknowledge to the giver the courtesy he has received, with due gratitude.
Letters of Recommendation
Letters of recommendation should be sparingly given. It is becoming less and less important, in the minds of experienced employers, to demand references. The personality of the applicant counts, and the varying traits which different positions cultivate make the experiences of the past of but little guidance, save in a broad and general way.
The giving of recommendations at random, "To whom it may concern," is also less done than formerly, as there is such uncertainty in regard to their use. Instead of this, the servant is told that she may use the former mistress's name as reference. The new, would-be employer then writes a note of inquiry to the former employer.
In replying to such a note great conscientiousness should be shown. Full justice should be done the servant. Only the truth should be told, and as much of it as a generous heart and wise conscience, coupled with a sense of responsibility toward the inquirer, permit. These letters should be brief and not effusive on any point, nor evasive of the issue at stake.
Never write to another, asking for information, or a favor of any kind, without enclosing a stamped and addressed envelope for reply.
Third-person Letters
Letters are written in the third person in answer to formal invitations so worded, and in correspondence between people but slightly acquainted or known to each other only by reputation, persons not social equals, and by tradespeople and their patrons.
Great care should be taken to preserve the impersonal diction throughout the letter, and to refrain from signing it. The tone should always be formal and very polite.
An order may take the form of a request, as "Will Mr. Sutherland please . . . and oblige," with the signature of the writer.
Informal Invitations and Announcements
In inviting a friend to visit you, it is customary to mention the length of the visit, setting a definite date for it and limit to it. This makes it possible for both hostess and guest to arrange other engagements.
A time-table of the trains, if the guest comes from the distance, with an account of the trolley lines, if from near at hand, should be enclosed.
The engagement of a daughter may be announced by informal notes to one's whole circle of friends and acquaintances. The following form of note may serve as a suggestion: "I am sure that you will join our household in sympathy with Eleanor in her happiness when I tell you that she has just announced her engagement to Mr. Harold Farnham, a man of whom her father and I thoroughly approve. The wedding will not take place for some months, but felicitations are in order."
Letters of Condolence
A letter of condolence should be short and quite sincere, or else the courteous custom of sending it is more honored in the breach than in the observance.
Such letters should be sent very promptly.
To expatiate to any extent whatever upon the bereavement is heartless or thoughtless, and as there is no danger of ambiguity, the letter does not need to account for itself in any way.
The following letter is as explicit as any letter of condolence need ever be, and the second form is preferable, unless great intimacy makes the less abrupt one permissible.
"DEAR MR. LEGROW:
I have read of your bereavement with the deepest sorrow. I cannot tell you how fully I sympathize with you and your children, or how my heart aches for you in your loneliness. May you have strength and grace to bear up under the great loss you have sustained.
Sincerely yours, MARGARET EDELSTONE."
"DEAR MRS. HILCOX: You have my deepest sympathy. Ever cordially yours, MILDRED HASSELTINE."
Answering Letters
Business letters should be answered by return mail, as should also all invitations to dinner or luncheon.
All invitations should be answered within a day if possible, because delay looks like a reluctance to accept. They should certainly be answered, either personally or by letter, within a week after the invitation is received.
Friendly letters should have such promptness of response as circumstances and the intimacy of the friendship demand.
Notes of congratulation and felicitation should be sent promptly after receiving the card or note announcement of an engagement or a birth, and in the latter case at least, should be followed by a call.
A personal visiting card, with the words "Thank you for sympathy" written over the name, is sufficient acknowledgment of letters of condolence. To very intimate friends, however, the spontaneous note of thanks would be more courteous. As it is almost impossible, at such a time, to attend to matters of social intercourse, the sending of the card is always permissible, and can occasion no offense, even if the more intimate acknowledgment was hoped for.
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